#54.1 Letdown (warning, harsh post)

Words can not describe how much I hate myself. What? You expected something nicer? Something full of hope? Not for me, there is no hope for me.

I hate how easily distracted I am. How lazy, how inconstant. There are people not knowing if tomorrow they will see the sun and are still making more than me.

I have never done anything even remotely good, just have been reaping others people work.

I have the easiest job, the lowest bar to reach, and somehow I still manage to fuck everything up.

How can I even dream of doing something good, if I can't do the bare minimum. All this beautiful words about journey and self discovery, just to lay down in the dirt. I hope at least you learned anything from that, clearly I didn't!

Sometimes I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is fear. Fear of who I would become if I stopped. I don't want to lay down in the grass and die! But the vision of another failure scares me so much... that I feel like I'm standing here, watching as everyone runs away so fast, and I can't move a centimeter.

After so many tries, at least I started some art and didn't immediately delete it... I hope I will be able to finish it...

I hope I'm the only one that's feeling like this. I'm sorry, that's so stupid. I'm sure you have much more serious problems.

Whatever happens, I still root for you. I may provide nothing of value to this world, but I know you are. This place would be much worse without you.

I don't know how to end this. I hope we will see each other again. Even if not, I'm still incredibly grateful that you made it this far. Really.

Thank you, I can't wait to see how your work will pay out. I'm sure it's going to be great!