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# #54.1 Letdown (warning, harsh post)
- URL: https://www.citrusexists.com/54-1-letdown-warning-harsh-post/
- Published: 2025-10-19T21:53:27.000Z
- Updated: 2025-10-19T21:53:27.000Z
- Author: CitrusExists
- Tags: PixelArt

Words can not describe how much I hate myself. What? You expected something nicer? Something full of hope? Not for me, there is no hope for me.

I hate how easily distracted I am. How lazy, how inconstant. There are people not knowing if tomorrow they will see the sun and are still making more than me.

I have never done anything even remotely good, just have been reaping others people work. 

I have the easiest job, the lowest bar to reach, and somehow I still manage to fuck everything up. 

How can I even dream of doing something good, if I can't do the bare minimum. All this beautiful words about journey and self discovery, just to lay down in the dirt. I hope at least you learned anything from that, clearly I didn't!

Sometimes I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is fear. Fear of who I would become if I stopped. I don't want to lay down in the grass and die! But the vision of another failure scares me so much... that I feel like I'm standing here, watching as everyone runs away so fast, and I can't move a centimeter. 

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/6d/f0/6df020d6-b03c-4a5b-8644-7e28dcb05753/content/images/2025/10/vlcsnap-2025-10-19-23h24m55s841.png)

After so many tries, at least I started some art and didn't immediately delete it... I hope I will be able to finish it...

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/6d/f0/6df020d6-b03c-4a5b-8644-7e28dcb05753/content/images/2025/10/vlcsnap-2025-10-19-23h25m02s868.png)

I hope I'm the only one that's feeling like this. I'm sorry, that's so stupid. I'm sure you have much more serious problems. 

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/6d/f0/6df020d6-b03c-4a5b-8644-7e28dcb05753/content/images/2025/10/vlcsnap-2025-10-19-23h25m07s833.png)

Whatever happens, I still root for you. I may provide nothing of value to this world, but I know you are. This place would be much worse without you.

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/6d/f0/6df020d6-b03c-4a5b-8644-7e28dcb05753/content/images/2025/10/Zrzut-ekranu-2025-10-19-232342.png)

I don't know how to end this. I hope we will see each other again. Even if not, I'm still incredibly grateful that you made it this far. Really.

Thank you, I can't wait to see how your work will pay out. I'm sure it's going to be great!